I’m pretty good at cooking i can make a mean chicken
augustus waters 24/7 pretends to smoke unlit cigarettes as a metaphor if i knew someone like that not smacking him would take literally all of my self control
"hello 911 i’d like to report a murder in th-" "haha, wow you’re a little snitch. hold on a sec. HEY DAVE, CHECK OUT THIS FUCKIN SNITCH ON LINE THREE"
Don’t fear death, fear the state in which you will die.
I was always afraid of Ohio
does anybody else legitimately worry about how they’re going to share a bed with their partner when they’re older? like buddy i need all the blankets to make a burrito and then i need to throw them off of me dramatically in the middle of the night and lie spread-eagled across the entire bed how is this going to work